A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Weighing up my bread heating options
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.