My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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God has left this place
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Holy shit he’s back
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Risking my life for fun.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.