I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.