Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken