My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Gods work.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real