[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
You Might Also Like
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare