Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
A Short Story.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working