Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
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Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The Weeknd is back
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.