Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.