sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Was it something I said?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him