Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My new favorite headline
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!