I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Home #decor warning.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.