The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Flock of bats
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Is….Is this an option?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.