50 shades of grey = my Liver
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
felt that
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.