I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
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Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Otters see a butterfly.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.