I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
they really do be looking like this
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!