knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Fidel Castro was alive?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together