I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
You Might Also Like
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.