ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Every haunted house movie:
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*