I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Everything reminds me of my ex
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Siri: Retweet me.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t