“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence