[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Traveler’s camo
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.