Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.