The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Owl Sanctuary
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
This week’s mood.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*