Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
You Might Also Like
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The morning after pill, but for tweets
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
damn he’s good
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money