Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that