For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You Might Also Like
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I identify as an antique shop.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.