Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?