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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…