Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I have obtained a hat
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
The little toadstool has spoken.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
#merica
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.