Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way