It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
this is me
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face