God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Sunday
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Rather alarming headline…
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!