i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.