If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots