in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
mmm onion ringos
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*limbos away from your hug*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]