You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
You Might Also Like
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
A man of commitment.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
just got my engagement photos
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”