I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.