I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”