Me checking my bank balance online.
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!