I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
mumsnet is amazing
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good