While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.