Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old