When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
#Caturday
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob