Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…