[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options