You Might Also Like
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy