*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.