‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Challenge accepted.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
wish me luck lads
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit