Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
This is me 🤣🤣
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna